“Would It Save You A Lot Of Time If I Just Gave Up And Went Mad Now?”

I was reminded of my woeful mobility late last night when my darling son, who likes to come in my room and list off the many worries that are keeping him awake, asked me what we would do if a volcano erupted near our house.  As far as I’m aware the nearest active volcano is over a thousand miles away in Italy and the last time a volcano erupted in Britain was some 55 million years ago.  But that wasn’t quite enough to reassure my son, who went on to say, “if a volcano erupted near our house, we would all have to run away, but you wouldn’t be able to run because you’ve got MS”.  Let’s hope a volcano doesn’t suddenly decide to unleash its lava onto our house any time soon!

This is not the first time one of my children has unwittingly reminded me of the sorry state of my mobility.  Indeed, by their very spirited nature, children act as a frequent reminder of all the things I can no longer do – their boundless energy is in such a stark contrast to my own restless, fatigued body.

To be honest, I’ve been feeling a little sorry for myself of late.  Like everyone, I’m struggling with the restrictions of Lockdown.  I yearn to get out, to feel free!  But restrictions on travel mean that we are not allowed to drive anywhere, we can only walk as part of our daily exercise.  Oh, how I wish I could go for a walk!  I wish I could walk without my feet dragging along the ground.  I wish I could walk without pain.  I wish I could walk more than a few metres before my vision starts to blur and my legs give up under me. 

Social media doesn’t help with all its pictures of people doing their daily walks or daily run and having their daily fun.  Jealousy is an ugly trait.  And yet I can’t help but scroll through it all and feel a tad envious – my frustration levels are through the roof!  I’ve had MS long enough to know that my walking can never be what it once was – the damage is surely done.  Why would I suddenly be able to go on mile-long walks, or indeed outrun a volcano, when I’ve spent the last 11 years trying, and failing, to walk a few yards without collapsing? 

On top of this, the inactivity is starting to show.  My son offered up another gem when he said, whilst trying to suppress a cheeky grin, “Mummy, when did you get a big belly?”  Seriously.

When you add the torture of home-schooling to the mix you can see why things are a little taxing right now.  I’ve taken to having afternoon rests to help me through the day.  I’m never left alone for long, however.  I’m usually inundated with requests for snacks and a rich assortment of other demands that threaten to spoil my down time and my crossword puzzles, including this little convo I had with my 5 year old daughter. 

Daughter: “Mummy, why do we have to live?” 

Me: “What?”

Daughter: “Why do we live?”

I’ll be honest, I didn’t have the energy or the resources to contemplate the meaning of life at that point, and my copy of ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ is hidden away somewhere in an unpacked box from our last move.  Instead, I simply covered my face in my hands and let out a silent scream.

6 thoughts on ““Would It Save You A Lot Of Time If I Just Gave Up And Went Mad Now?”

  1. Sorry that you are feeling down, I’m feeling that way too at the moment. A fed up day.

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  2. Hope u feel better soon. I’m glad you still have your sense of humour – your post made me smile – you have a great way with words and the only way to get through is to laugh. I know what you mean about looking at others with envy – I have an spc and wear a leg bag – I get envious of those without a bag to hide. Also not been on holiday since and wonder how I would cope abroad and could I go in a pool again. There doesnt seem much advice for younger people with leg bags (actually not sure at 43 I am young anymore – but I feel young compared to alot of the other customers shopping in the continence products isle in Tesco lol) .
    Like ways to disguise a bag of wee or walk comfortably without it slipping down my leg lol BUT despite this I’m still grateful to have it and wouldnt go back to pre spc life unless the ms went aswell ha ha.
    Keep positive – it must be so hard with young kids. Mine are a bit older (12 and 16) and so glad schooling is online so I do get a few quiet hours to hold it together!! (They were 6 and 10 when diagnosed in 2014)
    All the best x

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  3. Know how you feel I have a friend who insists on telling me in detail about her 10 mile walks 😫

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  4. Other than my wife, you’re the strongest woman I know. I remain in awe.

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  5. Keep smiling – you always put into words the way I feel. I have a wry smile when I hear about the walks and exercise we can take – I wish! Definitely some envy. My husband has just had a hip replacement, we were both walking as badly. It’s hard not to feel jealousy that his mobility is improving so quickly while mine will only get worse. But we must keep smiling and your articles always help me to that !

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