Back in the Saddle

I somehow managed to hear the ring of the doorbell amid the deafening, distraught wails of my children.  Despite my better judgement, I staggered over to the front door, feeling harassed and in no doubt that I was sporting my very best dishevelled-mum look.  I opened the door and found myself face-to-face with a very pale-looking next-door neighbour.

After a few agonising seconds, she finally found her voice and spluttered, “I thought you were dead!”

It took me a while to realise what the heck was going on, and then it dawned on me that she’d overhead the inconsolable wails of, “Mummy, no!  Why did they die?  Mummy!” from my son in the garden.

“Oh, no… it’s our fish.  We’ve just found a couple floating in our pond.”

Visibly relieved, our neighbour promptly invited us all round to see her rabbits, of which she has approximately 75.  I had to shake off the sudden feeling that we were living on Ramsay Street and politely declined her offer.  I had children who needed attending to, but perhaps on a happier day we could pop round to see her menagerie.

This all happened a few weeks ago, but it has stayed in my mind, not only for being one of the more surreal moments in my life, but for giving me a bit of a kick.  What if I had been dead?  As this question took hold in my mind, I realised that I’ve completely lost my way and am doing precisely what I promised I would never do, and that is to let MS take over.  I’d given up.  I’d somehow lost my inner bounce and taken to lazing around drinking wine and watching television game shows. 

I made the decision that I needed to get my ‘yes’ back.  I needed to start living again, and to me that meant getting active and getting my stubborn legs moving. 

I never feel more alive than when I’m riding a bike, which is something I haven’t been able to do for many years, but I have now made it my mission to get back in the saddle.  My first step was to invest in a gym-quality exercise bike – one that will give me a smooth ride and not end up as a clothes horse.  My next step was to build up my strength on the bike by starting small and gradually increasing my workout so that I actually get out of breath – a feeling that I truly didn’t know I was missing until it happened! 

Having got my legs moving again, the next step in my grand plan was to join a local group who take people with disabilities on bike rides using a range of accessible bikes.  I went along for my first bike ride in nearly a decade; I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing it felt. 

The bike I used was a tandem tricycle.  Since a relapse in 2021 left my left leg in a permanent state of semi-paralysis I can no longer use a standard 2-wheel bike – thank goodness for adult-sized trikes!  The man sitting behind me had full control of the steering and the brakes, which took a bit of getting used to, but I was able to apply as much or as little pressure to the pedals as I liked.  We cycled 3 and a half miles in total, which doesn’t sound all that impressive, but it may just as well have been 300 miles for the sense of achievement I felt.  This was the start of something big for me.

Cocky as ever, I rather felt as though I didn’t need the other fellow on the back on the bike, surely, I could just do it alone…

Yesterday I went out for my second bike ride, this time with a trike to myself.  As I clipped on my helmet, my mind was swimming with possibilities for the future.  I could probably take on Lands End to John O’Groats as a warm-up challenge, and then perhaps set my sights on something bigger, like New York to Los Angeles.

The ride started well, my legs were playing ball and I was propelling the wheels all by myself with my own strength and determination.  Alas, that didn’t last long.  Before we reached the halfway point, and after several stops, my legs refused to move.  I had 2 guys pushing me from behind, “Pedal!”  they said, and I willed me feet to push, but they simply wouldn’t budge.  I had reached my limit.  My mind was screaming yes, yes, yes but my body was screaming NO, NO, NO.  And, when your body doesn’t want to do something there is no will in the world that can change its mind.  Back on the tandem it was.

But I haven’t given up.  Next time, I’ll make it to halfway, and the time after that perhaps a little beyond halfway and so on until I’m ready to take on America.