Heavy Metal

I’ve never really been into cosmetics and fancy toiletries and all that. I’ve always associated those kind of things with grown-ups – and I’ve always struggled to consider myself as a grown-up. I specifically remember one Christmas, I must have been 9, my Godparents bought me a beautifully wrapped bundle of Body Shop goodies. I was 9 and I was mortified, and perhaps a little spoilt… But I’ve never been able to shake off that feeling of being too young for, what I considered to be, very grown-up, boring things. In my teenage years I would be dragged into shops like The Body Shop with my friends and I’d have to hold my breath to save me from passing out from the stench of all that soap and stuff. I’m the same now if I ever venture into or wander past Lush.

Where am I going with all this? Well, recently I’ve being trying to embrace being a grown-up – I am a mother and a wife after all (gosh, that makes me sound old!) And part of being a grown-up means taking care of your skin and complexion and all that blah. Anyway, I discovered a real liking for products from Benefit and have gradually been seduced by all sorts of essentials from their range that I didn’t even realise were essential until I started using them. So, my point is that I have become a lot more open to … products.

This brings me to the topic at hand – Magnesium Cream. I’ve been doing some research on ways to alleviate the spasms and pain and heaviness and aches in my restless legs, particularly at night. No medication seems to have done the job. In fact, the nearest thing I have come to a solution is drinking tonic water (minus the gin), which contains quinine, which goes some way to easing the discomfort. But now, with my legs and my sanity at breaking point, it is time for something stronger. Magnesium cream is supposed to seep into your skin and act as a gentle massage to lull you into a relaxed state and help you sleep a deep sleep. Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?

So convinced was I, after reading all the positive reviews, that I splashed out on a proper luxury tub of the stuff and could not wait for it to arrive in the post. ‘Sweet Sleep’, the label boasted, and ‘Handmade with Love’. How can anything that has been handmade with love be anything but wonderful? The thing is, I don’t think I can blame the product, or the design, which seems to have come from a lovely little independent business that I wouldn’t want to harm with my comments here. Perhaps some people are just not suited to being coated in metal – which is precisely how my already heavy legs felt after I’d applied the cream.

Determined to give it a chance, however, I snuggled down into bed with my legs sticking together and feeling more weighed down than I think I’ve ever felt before. As for a good night’s sleep – I probably managed 2 hours if that. The next morning I couldn’t wait to wash away the heavy-metal-cream and with it the old lady smell of lavender. All I can conclude from this episode is that I’m simply not ready to be playing around with such grown-up products.