For the first time since starting my blog I find myself struggling to write. It’s not that my ideas have run dry, or even that my life hasn’t thrown up any blogable events during the last month – far from it! I just seem to be trapped inside a murky black fog that refuses to lift and it’s making it very difficult to see any light or to think with any real clarity. I know this feeling well, I’ve been here before. Familiar and unwanted dark thoughts are trying to smash their way back into my life, destroying every good thing in their path. Logically, I know there doesn’t have to be a reason for me feeling this way and yet I can’t help but twist myself into knots searching for an answer. What has triggered this? What right have I to feel this low when I have so much to be thankful for?
And so, I have been telling myself to do precisely what you should never tell someone with depression to do, and that is, “Snap out of it!”
Unsurprisingly, this hasn’t worked, at least not as effectively as it usually does with me. You see, this time Depression has brought along a friend, Anxiety. The two make quite a double act and it’s very hard to shake them off – but, I’m giving it a good go. I have forced myself out of the safety of my home, to go to work, to do the school run and ferry kids to and from various activities because, let’s face it, when you have kids, there is no choice but to get on with it.
Of course, being a parent means that life is way more topsy-turvy than it might otherwise be. As well as bringing joy into your life, children also bring chaos and unpredictability, and with that comes stress and exhaustion – children literally keep you on your toes, and as a person with MS I am simply not designed to be kept on my toes.
Along with my own medical appointments and routine hospital treatments the last couple of months have seen me spend over 4 hours in A&E with my daughter, who now sports a rather cool Harry Potter-esque scar on her forehead, over an hour in the Walk-in Centre, again with my ailing daughter during the Christmas break, and a further 5 hours back in A&E with an ailing son. Having kids is hard at the best of times, but the worry when they are ill is beyond difficult. Each of these events, coupled with all the other out-of-my-control political rubbish and World problems have conspired to push my anxiety through the roof in a bid to break me. But I won’t be broken.
I have strict instructions to remain busy and to avoid thinking – and that is exactly what I plan to do!
Writing my first blog post in a month is a pretty good step towards getting myself back on track, even if it isn’t up to my usual happy-clappy standards – it’s a start, and I promise to be back in full force, well and truly smiling and kicking again soon.