For the first time since starting my blog I find myself struggling to write. It’s not that my ideas have run dry, or even that my life hasn’t thrown up any blogable events during the last month – far from it! I just seem to be trapped inside a murky black fog that refuses to lift and it’s making it very difficult to see any light or to think with any real clarity. I know this feeling well, I’ve been here before. Familiar and unwanted dark thoughts are trying to smash their way back into my life, destroying every good thing in their path. Logically, I know there doesn’t have to be a reason for me feeling this way and yet I can’t help but twist myself into knots searching for an answer. What has triggered this? What right have I to feel this low when I have so much to be thankful for?
And so, I have been telling myself to do precisely what you should never tell someone with depression to do, and that is, “Snap out of it!”
Unsurprisingly, this hasn’t worked, at least not as effectively as it usually does with me. You see, this time Depression has brought along a friend, Anxiety. The two make quite a double act and it’s very hard to shake them off – but, I’m giving it a good go. I have forced myself out of the safety of my home, to go to work, to do the school run and ferry kids to and from various activities because, let’s face it, when you have kids, there is no choice but to get on with it.
Of course, being a parent means that life is way more topsy-turvy than it might otherwise be. As well as bringing joy into your life, children also bring chaos and unpredictability, and with that comes stress and exhaustion – children literally keep you on your toes, and as a person with MS I am simply not designed to be kept on my toes.
Along with my own medical appointments and routine hospital treatments the last couple of months have seen me spend over 4 hours in A&E with my daughter, who now sports a rather cool Harry Potter-esque scar on her forehead, over an hour in the Walk-in Centre, again with my ailing daughter during the Christmas break, and a further 5 hours back in A&E with an ailing son. Having kids is hard at the best of times, but the worry when they are ill is beyond difficult. Each of these events, coupled with all the other out-of-my-control political rubbish and World problems have conspired to push my anxiety through the roof in a bid to break me. But I won’t be broken.
I have strict instructions to remain busy and to avoid thinking – and that is exactly what I plan to do!
Writing my first blog post in a month is a pretty good step towards getting myself back on track, even if it isn’t up to my usual happy-clappy standards – it’s a start, and I promise to be back in full force, well and truly smiling and kicking again soon.
The Wibbly Dinosaur 
I am new to ms , 4 months in since my foot and shins went numb , they are ok now but I have bad depression and anxiety due to the shock diagnosis, I am an active person ! Start meds end of month and pray nothing else happens to me ! Help ! I need advice not to be depressed
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It’s always refreshing when I see you have posted a blog. You are a proper inspiration to me and my daughter both Ms warriors x
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Hang On in there
Things will get better 😊
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I hope things will get better and the double act bigger off soon. Wishing you all the best xx
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I was missing you! Keeping busy is a good plan, but be kind to yourself and give yourself time to be you x
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Look after yourself. Sending lots of love xx
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Congratulations on your honesty and spirit. You’re allowed to think thoughts but only positive ones! Bash the bad ones, metaphorically, on the head. This worked for me when my kids were small and demands on my energy we’re high.
You will feel better
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You often look on the bright side in your blogs which helps others but should also help you to get through the blip xx
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Its OK not to be OK. Remember to be kind to yourself & go with how you feel in each moment. Because each moment is just that a moment and moments pass. Feelings are fluid and no matter how crappy you feel they will evolve and pass too. Thinking of you and sending sparkly positive thoughts you’ll be in a feeling place that you want to be in soon x x
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Hang on in there you sound like you will not let it best yiu, remember to give yourself some me time. Don’t beat yourself up you can’t be happy all the time you are allowed to have really periods 😊stay strong, take care
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Sorry I bet that message made you laugh same predictive text on here!! Hopefully it out a smile on your face😊
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I’m new to your blog. I am also an MS warrior and I too write a blog. I’m a PPMS warrior, I was 47 when the first symptoms appeared so luckily my kids were grown up. Now I’m a full time wheelchair user, and for me it’s grandchildren! I’m suffering a ‘blip’ at the moment too. I shall definitely be following from now on
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Thank you – I imagine grandkids can be just as demanding! x
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Yes but it’s only for a short time not like when you’re a parent for sure!
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I find that the more I try not to think, the more obsessed I become with whatever thoughts are there. I hope you are finding some peace! We tend to be our own worst enemies telling ourselves we need to do more or try harder. etc. It IS ok to just simply be!
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Thank you – you have it spot on x
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